How to spot a Sociopath:

4/30/2010 07:56:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

1. Do you often feel used by the person?
2. Have you often felt that he (or she) doesn't care about you?
3. Does he lie and deceive you?
4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?
5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?
6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?
7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?
8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?
9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?
10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?
11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?
12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?
13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?


Daily Show clip

4/30/2010 04:25:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

(Click on picture to watch video)

This is hilarious. It perfectly highlights how lame and superficial our politics has become. It's a bitter pill to swallow to be mocked by an American, but I love Jon Stewart and it's important we take our medicine.

This whole episode should be on tonight at 8:30pm on More4 (channel 138)

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A new world

4/29/2010 11:06:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

It is of course clear that we are doomed. Our once great nation dismantled, bankrupted and finished as a democratic going concern. In no time at all our currency will be worth less than the Vietnamese Dong and consequently our absorption into a Federal Europe inevitable where we will exist as a mere outpost for people who put milk in their tea.

With this in mind, I think this is a good time to begin weaning ourselves off our addiction to material possessions; Televisions, cars, expensive clothes, dependency on electricity, food, light, and heat etc.

The sooner we can redefine our priorities, the sooner we can recognise that it's not material goods that make us happy, it's the intangibles in life that give our lives value; friendships, family, nature, the arts, nookie and so on.

This process of real change will not be easy. It'll be a long and tricky journey, but the sooner we set off, the sooner we'll arrive in a newer world, a better world, a cleaner world. I say we..I'm actually moving to Vegas, but good luck with this.



Leadership debate review

4/29/2010 10:43:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Very very difficult to give these three 'leaders' any respect at all, so let's review and score this final verbal scuffle via the medium of puppy pictures;

David Cameron: Very serious. Ridiculous, but very serious.

Nick Clegg: Enthusiastic and ridiculous.

Gordon Brown: Goodbye old fella.

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Leadership debate preview

4/29/2010 06:22:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I just made tea and put honey it in. Hmm cosy. I shall now present to you the Voy Por Ustedes guide to this evening's final Leadership Debate on the BBC's at 8:30pm, which will give the three leaders a chance to test their powers of misdirection, double-speak and hucksterism.

Some numbers first of all to give us some frames of reference. The size of figures they'll be regurgitating tonight will be enormous. National Debt, annual deficit, spending cuts and what not,.. all huge, so let's give them all a more human context if you will;

National Debt - this is the granddaddy of all figures. This is how much we're in hock as a nation. Currently £811bn rising to £1.3trillion by the end of the next Parliament! Yowzer! This equates to roughly £14,000 per person in the country, even little tiny babies, rising to £21,000.

Annual deficit - this is how much the Government is currently over-spending per year, which is then obviously heaped on to the national debt. Currently £158bn for this year and similar figures for next year too. So for each of us roughly £2,600 a year.

Spending cuts - laughably through efficiency savings the three stooges are claiming they can claw back much of this deficit. But one would have to wonder how on earth it could be possible for a Government to be currently wasting the billions and billions of pounds a year that would make this option viable. If you were so incompetent that you were wasting this much money, then surely you'd be too incompetent to figure out how to save this money in the future. It's policy that sort of invalidates itself. It's very clever in that respect, but it hurts my head to think too much about it.

Cuts to public services and tax rises are the only realistic means of seriously putting a dent in this deficit. Yet the cuts specified in the three manifestos only account for a fraction of what would realistically be necessary. The Institute for Fiscal Studies has measured this black whole in spending cuts for each party and found that the tories are short some £52bn (£880 each), Labour are short £44bn (£730 each) and Lib-Dems short £34bn (£565 each).

Expect Cameron and Clegg to blame Labour for them not being able to be more specific for refusing to produce a spending review before the election and expect Brown to mumble something about the IFS accusing them of not looking past the end of the next Parliament - i.e. no one wants to come clean on the savage nature of the inevitable cuts. In real terms this is going to really hurt everyone with the exception of a small circle of Cameron's friends.

National Insurance increases - they'll hope to just spend the time squabbling over this NI increase which amounts to only £6bn (£100 each). It makes very little difference to anything, but they'll hope it sounds important and we'll eventually end up scratching our heads and maybe even changing channels.

It's important to bear in mind that when Gordon Brown talks about "taking money out of the economy" what he means is everyone paying less tax. Gordon Brown thinks the state IS the economy and only he can be trusted to distribute the country's wealth appropriately, thus not paying more NI is taking money out of the economy, it's how every filthy commie thinks. Cameron needs to remind people of this and insist that he's happy to trust us all to spend our own money how we see fit.

Fun! Ultimately Gordon Brown will of course blame the Banking collapse for everything. But it's nonsense. There is no doubt the USA Wall Street tomfoolery has influenced the economic crisis here, but it's simply standard practice for a Labour Government to run up a huge tab when they stay at Number 10. It's how they roll.

Had the sub-prime mortgage fiasco not occurred we'd still be facing this massive level of debt. They'd have contrived to push us towards the very brink of bankruptcy somehow, it's what they do. That ID card nonsense would have cost cabillions, DNA databases, further ballooning of the public sector, waste, nonsense and so on. It's what they do and don't let them persuade you otherwise.

Meanwhile if Clegg had his way we'd have ditched the pound in favour of the Euro and we'd now owe Greece billions and billions and Cameron would be destroying us with his love of that Laffer Curve we spoke about previously.

Summary - we're fucked.

On the immigration side of things, Brown will bang on about our newly installed points system which limits immigration from non-EU states - conveniently ignoring the fact that the EU represents approximately 450million people all of whom could legally come and live here tomorrow if they wanted to.

Nick Clegg will become sexually aroused by immigration and European integration and Cameron will try and pretend he isn't but watch his eyes glaze over as talk of further EU assimilation is discussed. He loves it too.

Summary - We are fucked...but since they're essentially robbing us of our identity, at least we won't know who we are anymore, so while we'll know someone somewhere is being fucked, we won't realise it's us until afterwards. Sort of like being nationally date raped.


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26 year old of the day

4/29/2010 06:20:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

The coveted VPU 26 year old of the day trophy goes to
Maya Black for making Nick Clegg look like a twat this morning


Playing on the swings

4/29/2010 03:03:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

We here at Voy Por Ustedes have been examining the polls today - or more to the point, how those poll numbers translate into actual seats in the House of Commons. The swingometers used by the various news dudes are misleading as they use a Uniform National Swing percentage to translate the poll numbers into seats and the volatile the polls the more inaccurate the seat predictors become.

In the most extreme case this can produce illogical results. For example, let's say no one at all votes for Labour - there are instances if you play around with the swingometers where Labour can still keep up to about 10 seats depending how those lost votes are distributed amongst the other parties even if they received 0% of the votes.

Young Nate Silver - founder of the Baseball Prospectus site and the subsequent site which predicted with incredible accuracy the results of the US electoral colleges in the last Presidential debate - has set about producing a more robust method of translating opinion polls into seats.

The polls are usually pretty accurate, so if we can figure out a better way of translating them into seats we could have ourselves a very accurate picture of how the House of Commons might look on May 7th and more importantly we can place wagers with more confidence in the election markets.

Here's how young Nate sees it according to his newly developed swingometer:

These percentages are very close to those we here at Voy Por Ustedes had predicted just last week in our post USA here I come but crucially the seat distribution is very different.

Under the uniform national swing calculator, Labour's eventual seats total is greatly over-estimated and the support for the Tories under-estimated. Using young Nate's system the Conservatives are only 26 seats short of a majority.

This is intriguing as we still have one leadership debate to go which will be shown tonight on the BBC. With Gordon Brown's paranoid delusions causing him to berate a pensioner yesterday, the ratings for tonight's debate - which is on the Economy and fantastically, Immigration - should shoot up.

Even an ape ought to be able to slam dunk Gordon Brown on his handling of our economy, so if Cameron can some how raise his game to the level of an ape's, he might be able to bridge that 26 seat gap and win an over-all majority and more importantly win us some money, betting on the over-all majority markets.

One more thing before I eat my sammich - the magic number to win that majority is not 326 seats. In real terms it's actually between 322-324. Sinn Féin should have between 2-5 seats in the House of Commons, but as they have not taken the Oath of allegiance, they remain empty. Not a significant difference, but since this election is so close it may be enough people.

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Standard Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf joke

4/29/2010 12:22:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

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A very small casserole

4/28/2010 10:24:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Explain it to me again: a confused voter yesterday

Do people in this country actually understand how our electoral system works? I assumed they did, but I'm not so sure now. Following Gordon Brown's inexplicable decision to humiliate a pensioner this afternoon, lot's have people have vented their spleens on their computrons.

As soon as his 'bigot' comment had spread across the internets like marmalade over a piece of hot toast, voters everywhere emailed in to all and sundry to declare categorically that they will not be voting for Gordon Brown now, many of them declaring they would be abandoning Brown in favour of Clegg, yet this is of course impossible.

You cannot vote for Gordon Brown, David Cameron or Nick Clegg directly. Not unless you live in one of their constituencies as I unfortunately do. If you live in one of the other 647 constituencies you'll be voting for one of their colleagues. This is not a Presidential democracy. We pretend it is, the campaign is now run as if it is, but it isn't.

We elect parties. They publish their manifestos and an army of nerds are then posted to each of the 650 constituencies to argue the points of these manifestos to Gillian Duffy and other racists of the nation and we then elect them to Parliament to represent us for as long as possible before the intoxicating potency of power corrupts them irreversibly and they begin to serve only their own means.

Voting for any of the party leaders because you like them is not only a sorry reflection on what appeals to you personally, it's also misguided and stupid. So let's hear no more of this 'I'm voting for [insert part leader name here]' business.

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There but for the grace of God go I

4/28/2010 09:12:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

OK enough is enough now with this whole Gordon Brown insult thing. We've all had a drink, we've had our fun, let it go now. I mean if I had 5p for every time I'd accidentally accused someone of being a bigot behind their backs when in fact I'd actually meant the exact opposite, I'd be a rich man.

Just yesterday in fact I was chatting to an elderly neighbour of mine about his garden. Very nice it looked I told him, but of course as soon as I was back in the privacy of my own living room I cut loose on the old fella. I accused him of being a closet transvestite, a necrophiliac and a climate change denier. It's easily done and I only said those things because I was tired and didn't realise that I actually meant them.

Oops, see! I've just photo-shoped a picture of their
exchange and accidentally depicted Mrs Duffy as the
leader of a white supremacist movement

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You were always on my mic

4/28/2010 08:16:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

It's Elvis week over on Paulie two thumbs' blog so I felt this video from Guido Fawkes was particularly apt

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Bigoted Old Woman - the gift that'll keep on giving

4/28/2010 01:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Oh fuck

Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck

It's the poetic justice of it all that has so made my day. I do of course feel bad for Mrs Duffy that she has been so humiliated by the man she thought was devoted to defending her, but if her mistreatment speeds up the demise of this odorous totalitarian lunatic, then her embarrassment will carry with it an inherent nobility.

This of course is a man who has systematically removed the privacy of the individual. A CCTV camera on every corner, a snooping nanny-state and a variety of hotlines for shopping in the neighbours who may or may not be up to no good and so on...for him to ultimately be unmasked by a piece of surveillance equipment himself will almost be worth having endured his time as Prime Minister in the first place.

And it gets better, if he was remiss before, he has not learned his lesson. He has just appeared on the Jeremy Vine radio show to apologise and explain himself, but was seemingly unaware his confession was also being shown live on TV. Now there's a man who doesn't learn his lessons.

Fantastic stuff. They're saying this won't have an impact on the election ultimately, but I fancy this is just the kind of thing that does destroy campaigns and politicians. Let's hope it snaps him in two like an excruciatingly painful compound fracture of the spine.

**Mrs Duffy is a widow who's husband died of cancer and worked with handicapped children. Essentially she may be the nicest pensioner in the country.


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Breaking news - Brown really fucks up

4/28/2010 12:21:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Fantastic stuff! Gordon Brown was questioned this morning by this old lady (Mrs Duffy) in Rochdale who he clearly didn't like. After the impromptu questions and answers session, which he concluded was a "disaster" he got back in his car and referred to her as a "bigoted old woman" assuming his microphone was turned off.

This will of course dominate the headlines this evening and possibly tomorrow too and ought to kill off any chances he felt he may have had of convincing the nation he wasn't in fact, an utter cunt completely indifferent to the nation's underclasses he so tediously claims to defend. This is awesome stuff.

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The rocky road to Dublin

4/28/2010 06:52:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I was just listening to some blue grass music - a song about how a man's best friend ran off with his wife and he really missed him - when an email pinged into my inbox. As coincidence would have it it was regarding this Saturday's Kentucky Derby! It was sent by one of my leading US horse racing handicappers, Johnny Texas from New Orleans...who manages to tap out quite a legible email considering he's a raccoon.

Attached to the email was a dossier he'd compiled on this year's Kentucky Derby and it made for quite interesting reading and I'd like to share it with you.

Like all classic horse races the Kentucky Derby has had some hard and fast rules and trends extrapolated from its 135 years of renewals, by punters wishing to narrow down the field and ultimately zero in on the winner.

What I'm reading from Johnny Texas though is that some of those rules over the past few years have begun to look rather unreliable, and backed up by some data compiled by Franky Boston from Minnesota - a life long gambling beaver - he explains why:

Three related trends appear to have altered considerably in recent years. Meaning sacrosanct indicators for handicappers searching for well prepared Derby winners may now be inconsequential:
Many Kentucky Derby prep races are now run on synthetic surfaces while the Derby itself stubbornly remains a dirt race. This obviously calls into question how horses who are now prepping for the big one on poly-tracks are coping with the dirt of Churchill Downs. This may be especially relevant to Saturday's race as the forecast is for storms and therefore sloppy dirt.

Schedule changes in prep races and training alterations for Kentucky Derby runners have changed the number of races contenders will have run and how much rest they will have had before the big one; In short, horses are raced less and rested more.

Barbaro for example, became the first horse in 50 years to win off a five week lay-off. Street Sense won in 2007 after only two prep races. In 2008 Big Brown became the first horse to win the Kentucky Derby since 1915 with only 3 career runs. It's crazyness; dogs playing with cats, sunshine on a rainy day, mass hysteria!

Despite these changes, Eskendereya was still the favourite before pulling out of the race yet his preparations showed a more traditional pattern; six starts, raced three times since January, raced on dirt and final prep race was only four weeks before the Kentucky Derby and the vast majority of the field have followed similar preparations - but it's the few exceptions that have intrigued Johnny Texas, Franky Boston and also Vinny Montana from Cincinnati, a pigeon who can smell a derby winner like other people can smell gas.

Aye Aye!!: Franky and Johnny who were on Barbaro
and on it large at Churchill Downs in 2006

The current favourite Lookin at Lucky has raced only twice. Sidney's Candy, many punters' fancy, has never raced on dirt. Ice Box has not run for six weeks since winning the Florida Stakes. What on Earth are we to make of all this!

If these recent trends continue one of the those three will be your winner. But will history barge back in all big shoulders and geeet outta my way!? Well, if it does we'll need to search for a runner with more traditional form.

Johnny and the boys are undecided and with this in mind he recommends backing one of each as it were; so we'll be investing in Sidney's Candy (currently 6.6 on Betfair) and the bigger priced Dublin (25.0).

Good luck with all your bets.

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Castrate Labour's Balls

4/25/2010 03:09:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

We here at Voy Por Ustedes are pissed as a fart at the time of writing, but when there's an election on we don't let intoxication get in the way of safeguarding the future of the nation especially when there might be a betting opportunity presenting itself to us like a strumpet opening her blouse and offering us quality time with a delicious bosom.

Now it is of course common knowledge that Ed Balls is beyond a shadow of a doubt, the biggest cunt in Western Europe as we speak and has been for much of the past decade at least. So it would be supremely satisfying if the 'Portillo' moment of the 2010 election was delivered to us by the defeat of this heinous satanic necromancer by Antony Calvert who you can buy with Paddy Power at 13/8 to take the Morley and Outwood seat on May 6th.

Balls has a nominal majority of 9,000 but this can be considered negligible. Labour have finished fourth in council elections in this area the past two years and of course the Clegg factor has all made the Conservative party re-evaluate the many seats they previously considered un-winnable.

Ed Balls of course has such inexhaustible reserves of arrogance it has not even occurred to him he could lose here which would make his defeat so much more satisfying.

Ooooh I'm really scared: you should be, yoooou should be

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Old is this year's new

4/24/2010 04:03:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

No one will ever know, it's not like we're popular: Clegg and Cable
discuss their fraudulent expense claims at their party
conference and share information on local dogging sites.

There's nothing more likely to curdle the milk in my tea first thing in the afternoon than Nick Clegg's flock of hypocritical Sadomasochistic Vegans continuing to insist that they represent a new kind of politics.

Let's ignore the fact the Lib-Dems are actually the oldest of the three parties really - this new politics they're offering looks disturbingly like the old politics that has had people almost rioting in the streets recently, 'speshly over this expenses scandal nonsense.

When boy wonder Clegg launched his party's manifesto he discussed in detail how bankers were delivered to us from the inside of Satan's arse. They shouldn't be imposing unfair bank charges on us when we go over-drawn, he explained, and they shouldn't be accepting bonuses until our bail-out money has been repaid in full. Which is all fair enough.

Nick Clegg also thinks that while many MP's expenses claims (including his own) were in good faith and within the rules, they still had a 'moral obligation' to repay the money as they were not in the 'spirit' of the rules as it were. Well this is also fair enough.

However, these opinions and moral obligations apparently don't apply to the Lib-Dems themselves; Their biggest donor - a convicted douchebag called Michael Brown - gave £2.4millions to the Lib-Dems, probably to buy ball-gags and bespoke sex dungeons for their party headquarters, but this money was not his to give. He stole it from many many people.

The Lib-Dems will be keeping every penny of it though. They say it was received in good faith and they have not broken any rules in accepting it, as if that is in anyway relevant, but OK then, what about the 'moral obligation' to pay it back?

I'm hearing 'new politics,' but all I'm seeing is the fraudulent, unscrupulous, double-dealing and douchebaggery of the old politics we've all come to know and love.

Vince Cable tried to defend this hypocrisy on the Campaign Show and in doing so made himself once again look like the doddering sex pest he really is. I'm told by a BBC source he sported stockings and a cock-ring during the show.

"I believe bank bosses have a moral obligation to pay that money back. If they had a shred of moral decency, they would never have imposed these charges and they would never have refused to pay them back" -- Nick Clegg on unfair bank charges

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This is why we don't need Trident

4/24/2010 01:47:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Yes, Prime Minister is genius. It's incredible how relevant it still is today.
Anyone finding themselves respecting our politicians should quickly watch
an episode in order to restore absolute contempt for them

Trident was necessary when this brilliant series was written, but it is a waste of money now not only because we face a different threat, but also because, while they were only joking about it in this episode, none of our potential leaders today would have the courage to use it.

Trident is only effective if the theory behind deterrence is correct as you don't get another shot at this if you're wrong and in today's climate I think it is wrong. If you're up against an enemy who couldn't give a monkey's if they live or die - say for example a couple of million fanatically extremist Muslims in Iran who can't wait to get up in the morning to Martyr themselves - then our deterrent is instantly rendered redundant.

Secondly, even if our war heads were still trained on Moscow or similar non-suicidal commie terror and we were under an attack as we speak, we have at present, leading our three main parties, a coterie of the most craven, rubber-spined Parliamentarian jobbers in all of this countries functioning democratic history.

It is laughable to believe that any of them could be entrusted to find the courage to actually launch one of these weapons at anyone. Gordon Brown wouldn't even commit to naming his favourite biscuit for crying out loud, a paralysed David Cameron would simply wet himself and Nick Clegg probably punches with his thumbs tucked into his fists.

If this weapons systems are costing us £100bn I would rather ditch it and invest the money in our conventional army. Quite frankly I would rather arm a regiment of squaddies from Toxteth with unlimited rounds of ammunition and as many grenades and rocket launchers as they could carry and point them in the direction of Tehran than entrust this country's security to the current crop of weak-kneed pasty poltroons masquerading as Statesmen.

Come 'ed slags.

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Ban the Bercow

4/23/2010 05:34:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

It is of course testament to how much bollocks these TV debates are, that had Nick Clegg been replaced by any leader from one of the other parties (except the Greens of course), they too would have enjoyed the ginormous surge in support Nick Clegg's group of Pagans and erotic asphyxiationists are currently enjoying.

For example, UKIP leader Nigel Farage, whose politics is essentially that of every true card carrying Conservative after a few Brandies, might just have succeeded in his bid to oust the evil parasite John Bercow from his Buckingham seat had he had access to the 270 minutes of golden airtime Nick Clegg has been unfairly afforded.

People hate the European Union. I think his percentage of the vote would have reached something like 80% had he been invited to these debates and been able to blame the Germans for everything. Bercow would have been out on his ear and he'd have deserved it too...not just for being a crook, but for being married to a ginger woman several inches taller than him. Men should not involve themselves with taller women. FACT.


A man of substance

4/23/2010 04:08:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

"Oh boy, the Iranians are going to love you Nick."-- Gordon Brown's
sheet of prepared come-backs and one liners yesterday

"If it's about style and PR, count me out..," that was how Gordon Brown opened his debate last night, those were his exact words. Fair enough, but does a man of substance not interested in style really bring to a debate a sheet of prepared one-liners and put downs!? How fucking embarrassing.

Did Gordon not even read my blog yesterday? What did I tell him about making jokes...

"if he over does it and intends to open the debate with some Mother-in-law gags and attempts a few one liners, he ought to keep a taxi waiting as a hasty retreat may be necessary." continue reading here

His sheet notes, caught by an over-head camera last night, show clearly his line about Cameron and Clegg reminding him of his "two boys squabbling at bath time" was a scripted line probably given to him by Ed Balls.

Another equally lame insult he was probably choking to unleash on Clegg, included this shocker which you can see on his sheet beneath the underlined thing about the Iranians, "You can phone a friend, you can ask the audience, you can go 50-50 with Nick."

As someone who has been a practicing comedy smith for most of my speaking life, I find the idea of people actually writing jokes down in the hope of being able to use them later, to be utterly disgusting. It's how Bob Monkhouse built his entire career and I only hope Bob's final moments on this earth were incredibly painful ones because of it. This is the antithesis of humour and those guilty of it deserve no mercy.

If you don't have a sense of humour so what, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't make jokes though. I for example have never been any good at brain surgery, but you don't see me cracking open people's heads to give it a go anyway.


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Friday jiggery-pokery

4/23/2010 02:33:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

There's an awful lot of pish-posh written in the newspapers and the politcal Blogospheres and Twitterspheres at the moment, much of it recently comparing the various three leaders to anyone from Winston Churchill to Adolf Hitler, and I think before we carry on with this election campaign we need to just get one thing perfectly clear - Adolf Hitler was left-wing. LEFT wing. Not right wing. He was the leader of the National Socialist Labour Party. Are you people hearing me? SOCIALIST LABOUR party.

Of course he hated Communism, believing Karl Marx to be a Jewish incarnation of Satan, but Hitler's ideology was still Socialism, just a different form. So let's just get our insults right shall we, or if we can't show due diligence with these insulting comparisons let's just stick to more traditional basic insults such as cunt or dogging sex pest and so on.

In other news, regular readers of my blog will be aware I often come to some serious harm in my sleep and unfortunately we've suffered another inexplicable injury - this time to my big toe. It's getting absurd really. I've broken more bones in the middle of the night while wrapped in a thick duvet and laying on a mattress filled with pleasantly heated water than in all my times as a mouthy youth scuffling in car parks with fellows many times bigger than me. As we speak I can barely walk. I am baffled as to how this injury has come about. More on this later.

Sport now and the NHL play-offs are starting to get very intriguing indeed people. New Jersey have fallen at the first hurdle. I said a strong team would fall and it was beginning to look like it might be my boys, but they appear to have found their feet and not before time. Phoenix and Detroit in Glendale tonight will be a cracker.

Paulie two thumbs will of course be asleep on top of a strumpet somewhere in a hedge when the puck is dropped for this game, but it's a game I am eagerly anticipating. I would be very pleased to see Detroit lose and will set some organic milk out for the Gods in order to secure a victory for the Coyotes.

I shall now go and rest until something else needs to be said. In the meantime, a hockey strumpet..

(The five hole in hockey is the gap between the goalies legs)

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USA here I come

4/22/2010 06:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Click to enlarge if you DARE

These are the latest poll numbers commissioned by me and show clearly how a hung Parliament is assured. This is dangerous stuff. This offers up the very real chance of David Miliband leading a coalition Government as a pre-requisite for Cleggs group of sexual voyeurs and cross dressing vegetarians for the formation of a Lib-Lab coalition Government would surely be that Gordon Brown be given the old heave-ho.

Now of course we here at Voy Por Ustedes like to joke around and we pride ourselves on consistently achieving the highest ratio of bullshit-per-actual relevant and important information on the web as of March 2010, but if David Miliband becomes the next Prime Minister, I will not stand for it. NO SIR! NO...WAR...NO.

If this most shallow despicably air-headed himbo somehow finds his way into number 10, I will seriously be making every effort to move to the US of States, either this or I'll be taking an Easy Jet flight to Switzerland for a final plate of apple strudel and a pint of barbiturates at the Gravitas clinic, which ever is quicker. It's just, it's all too much for me.


I have got no news for you

4/22/2010 05:02:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Sky Television have a very distinct style when presenting sport; loud, big and wherever possible, women strutting about with their tits out. I had assumed their presentation of this evening's Leadership Debate would be more refined, but no.

If this projection onto the White cliffs of Dover is anything to go by, I fancy, unless we all have our wits about us it won't always be clear if we're watching the debate or the darts. The darts in fact has more relevance and importance to more people's lives than this debating nonsense.

Speaking of this projection, how ridiculous does that look! It's almost impossible given the impoverished nature of politics today to believe there was a time, back in the day when Statesmen were revered men and worthy of being carved into a mountain side. From Mount Rushmore to Nick Clegg in just under 70 years.

If this is how it's going to be I hope Sky have walk on girls tonight also. This is when we'll see Nick Clegg in his element. Let's see him remain composed and deliver his confused nonsense with a full erection.

I fancy Nick Clegg to really embarrass himself this evening and his polling numbers return from whence they came. The current percentages are an aberration and somewhat reminiscent of the 1992 polls.

They all had the Labour party clearly ahead, but when push came to shove, on polling day, the nation just couldn't bring itself to vote in a balding, Welsh, lunatic, communist.

Gordon Brown meanwhile could produce a horror show of false emotions in order to make a last ditch effort to prove once and for all to the electorate that he does not eat babies. I personally find a baby-eating Gordon Brown more appealing than a laughing happy-go-lucky Gordon Brown; if he over does it and intends to open the debate with some Mother-in-law gags and attempts a few one liners, he ought to keep a taxi waiting as a hasty retreat may be necessary.

I ....I....I....bought my Mother in law a chair for for for for Christmas,
but she she she hasn't plugged it in yet..but anyway I agree with Nick.

David Cameron finally, will I fancy try and be more aggressive tonight. I think we'll see up to 35% more frowning, finger pointing and sneering. He'll also be staring at the camera with crazy eyes, so do not sit within eight feet of the telly if you're planning on tuning in.

Regardless of what occurs this evening, I have punched the numbers and it all makes no difference. It's almost impossible for the Lib Dems to actually secure a majority - in fact the computer models that translate polling percentages into seats aren't able to accept such huge swings in polls so predicting what it all means in terms of seats is guess work. What's clear is a hung parliament is almost assured and when that happens I am moving to France until I can locate a suitable cave. In real terms, this debate's only purpose will be to provide TV shows like 'Have I got news for you' with much material for future years.


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Joke of the day

4/22/2010 05:03:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

John Oliver

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Cloud 9 to cloud cuckoo land

4/21/2010 11:34:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

They've been campaigning for months for these debates, but
ironically no one will be watching:Sky News yesterday

Nick Clegg and his band of Loony-Toon, hummus eating, nudists have been taken to the cleaners this week by all and sundry - metaphorically speaking of course. They are the biggest 'Emperor's new clothes" moment of this election campaign since Gordon Brown last claimed to have saved the planet.

While exposing themselves in front of the public is not something they're usually bashful about in their private lives, it's a different matter when their politics become exposed quite so starkly and with such ease. Vince Cable for example, was made to look really rather pathetic this afternoon by Andrew Neill and Stephanie Flanders during the Chancellors debate while Osborne and Alistair Darling looked on with distinct smirks on their faces.

Nick Clegg too has received a rather swift fall from grace. His past has caught up with him. All those people who thought he was Britain's Barack Obama only not quite so cool, have now been presented with the truth in the form of his C.V. and expenses receipts. As a previous Lobbyist, MEP and photo-copier in a Helsinki bank he can hardly be considered to be offering something new. And his maximum allowed expense claims, which included the pruning of his plum trees and hedgerows are clearly an example of what a duplicitous money grabber and enthusiastic dogger he is. He is a new kind of politics if England have the best chance they've ever had this year of winning the World Cup.

But though, the Lib-Dems essentially play "Cuckoo politics", with their policies and how they build support for them. As we all know the Cuckoo does not build its own nest. It simply hoodwinks other birds into incubating their eggs for them.

They plonk their eggs into other birds' nests - they look the same as the other eggs so the poor bird is none-the-wiser. Only when the thing hatches days before the other eggs and a dirty great Cuckoo emerges and shoves the other eggs out of the nest is the truth exposed.

The Lib-Dems don't have policies of their own. They steal those of the other parties depending on which area of the country they're campaigning. And when they're presented to the electorate they sort of look the same, but there's something a bit different about them. But by the time they've been exposed it's too late. All those people who can't think for themselves have signed up for the Lib-Dem cause and the real policies of the other parties are dropped out of the public debate like the real eggs out of those nests.

So when I say the Lib-Dems' have been rumbled, I mean they've been rumbled by people like me who stay at home all day watching politics shows and reading blogs and newspapers, only stopping for sandwiches, snoozes and wanks (oh my), but anyone even remotely informed would never have fallen for their nonsense in the first place...but what about regular people? People with jobs and people who haven't read a book since they were at school? Are they aware of what a collection of charlatans and swingers the Lib-Dems really are? No...and hereby we have the genius of cuckoo politics.

They don't mind being humiliated at 2pm, as they know no one is watching. Eeek, it's quite scary really! What if I'm the only one who's been watching the telly? Was I the only viewer who watched this afternoon as Vince Cable literally shit himself under the questioning of young Stephanie Flanders?

There's another Leadership Debate tomorrow, but it's on Sky News so only people with Sky TV can watch it and it clashes with the Darts, so I'm estimating only about two million people will watch it ..or two "millions" as Gordon Brown would infuriatingly say. It looks as if the Lib-Dem's political incubation will continue then right under our own arses. Jees...someone call someone. The people have got to know.

The Von Trapp family Liberal Democrats: Don't be fooled by their
goody-two-shoes image. These people were just Nazi's who wouldn't fight.

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Taking stock..

4/20/2010 03:11:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

While I was waiting for the mighty LA Kings to take to the ice to make fools of the Vancouver Canucks and their conjoined ginger terror, I thought I'd sift through the various betting accounts I have for outstanding wagers and it's these I'd like to discuss with you now if you'll indulge me.

On Blue Square's books we have:

NHL first round play-off Yankee (£55 max return £812): To win series; Phoenix (2-1 up), Montreal (2-1 down) L.A. (tied 1-1 game 3 playing as we speak) and finally New Jersey (inexplicably losing 2-1).

This one was just for fun so we're not too concerned with our progress so far. This first round has had everyone scratching their heads after some of the results. The Conference standings have been turned on their heads. Crazyness, I was expecting this of course as I explained in a previous blog about intensity and the what not - here. I've backed under-dogs here with the exception of New Jersey - just hoping the crazyness can continue for the rest of this round.

On the Betfairs we have some election bets;

Cabinet specials market (£180 returning £440): Laying George Osborne to be next Chancellor @ 1.7.

I love this wager. He may ruin the country but Vince Cable ought to win me money here, I just better make sure I bank it before he introduces and astronomical betting tax.

UK election majority market (£80 returning £220): No overall majority @ 2.78

This is almost certain now with this new found national love of Nick Clegg.

Football now;

World Cup winner market (£30 returning £4,530): Mexico to win World Cup @ 150.00

The thinking here of course is to find a team with a tradeable price. I don't actually think my boys can win the World Cup, but I do think they can reach the Quarter Finals, by which time hopefully we'll have an opportunity to green up and then sit back and relax while they take England apart.

Finally the Hockey;

Stanley Cup winner (£50 returning £400): Chicago Blackhawks @ 8.00

I prefer not to comment on this one for fear of angering the Gods.

Elsewhere on the internets we have outstanding bets with Skybet;

Boxing; Khan to K.O. Malignaggi £20 @ 9/1
Football; Javier Hernandez World Cup top scorer £10 @ 125/1
Hockey; Chicago Blackhawks to win Stanley Cup £30 @ 11/1

Good luck with all my bets. The end.

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In other news..

4/20/2010 01:40:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This no-flying business has nothing to do with planes falling out of the sky. These things can fly through this cloud no worries. The very fact that they've had planes flying round it so people can photograph it proves that.

It's simply down to the fact that the insurance policies Boeing and Airbus issue with their planes become null and void if they are downed while after flying through or near volcano ash. So even if the NATS said oh go on then, you can fly just fly lower, the airlines would still have to sheepishly remain grounded.

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Who's who?

4/20/2010 12:54:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

So this is the Roma fans fighting the Polizia di Stato after their little set-to with Lazio fans in Rome at the weekend. It's hard to tell which is which though. Look at the two dudes highlighted. They're wearing police helmets and have batons, but they're wearing jeans and trainers. Are they fans who have stolen police equipment or was it just a sort of mufti-day for the police on Sunday?

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Pea spillers, nudists and what to do about them

4/19/2010 05:10:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Gordon Brown looks towards the centre ground, Sarkozy
to the far right while Arsene Wenger wishes he was in Wigan

In real terms this football season has actually been a good one for Arsenal in, to coin a Tony Blair phrase, "its totality." If one compares it to pre-season expectations and when one considers the brutal series of injuries endured, this is been an exceptional effort from our diminutive squad. Most of the talk in late July and early August from the football media and Arsenal fans alike was of a finishing position somewhere south of the fourth Champion's League place.

The football supporter's outlook is a fickle and shallow one though. A team is only as good or bad as it's last 90 minutes - Arsenal therefore in the eyes of even the most partisan Gooner, are shit. The disappointment of being humiliated by Wigan has caused me to hark back to a post I prophetically composed back in August with the explicit intention of helping me overcome this fickleness and sense of utter exasperation - Comedy of Errors.

The disappointment I feel is not for the lack of trophies, it's in seeing Arsene Wenger's principles, integrity and footballing philosophy take yet another carpet bombing from the uncultured, xenophobes that pass for the informed media in this country.

Not content with burdening Arsene Wenger with obligations to receive as guests the most heinous brace of cunts recently in Gordon Brown and the evil midget Sarkozy - the Gods have once again left his season fallow while that foul mouthed odious pea spiller* Ferguson will probably luck box his way to another title.

Ferguson laughing at a racist joke and spilling peas everywhere yesterday

This injustice in our football shares some worrying parallels with our politics. For the same reasons Alex Ferguson is praised, we may now be in danger of extending to Nick Clegg some influence on how the country is run and God help us when that happens.

At least with Ferguson, his influence and consequential damage is restricted to football. Clegg can do some real harm to our futures and seriously accelerate the end of this very nation. In the space of one 90 minute debate he's suddenly been transformed from the leader of a crack-pot band of europhile, eccentric, liberal, lentil-eating nudists with no chance of ever winning anything, to the leader of a crack-pot band of europhile, eccentric, liberal, lentil-eating nudists with a serious chance of at least forming a coalition Government. This is terrifying absurd stuff.

All those people who are now considering voting for this lot on the strength of one debate, of course know absolutely nothing about Nick Clegg or his party's policies. Sit a potential Lib Dem voter down, shine a bright light in their face and ask them exactly what the Lib Dems' policy is on any major issue and you'll get a blank stare.

They will vote for him simply because he's not one of the other two. No depth, no substance, no looking at the bigger picture, no actual knowledge or appreciation of the consequences of being so naive....just monkey see monkey do. A most insidious herd mentality that is surely all the justification we need to abandon democracy.

Not only do I want Arsene Wenger to carry on as Arsenal manager, he'd be my choice as Fascist Dictator. Look what he's done for Arsenal in thirteen years. Back in 1997 - ironically when Blair took over as Prime Minister - Arsenal were only just a bit better than Spurs. Fast-forward thirteen years and Spurs have beaten Arsenal only twice in 28 games and the Arsenal are now one of the most respected teams in the whole wide world, while Tottenham are still the horrible cunts they always were.

Meanwhile in the same period of time under the banner of democracy, Tony Blair and his Labour Party has managed to reverse this process of growth and prosperity in two entire countries. Britain and Iraq have both been destroyed by one man in a little over a decade. He has in effect taken two Sovereign nations and turned them from Arsenal into Tottenham. That's an astonishing feat even David O'Leary would struggle to emulate...all in the name of democracy.

Democracy is bollocks, it's as over-rated as Harry Redknapp and about as healthy. It doesn't work if the people who are voting have only read four books between them. Football can be dismissed as just nonsense, politics unfortunately must be afforded a greater level of respect.

Let us bear in mind that it is entirely possible that Gordon Brown could continue as Prime Minister even if Labour receive the least amount of popular votes in this election. He is an unelected leader of the Labour Party, an unelected Prime Minister and after losing the only election he's ever involved himself in, could still remain as PM even if he loses should there be a hung Parliament - in fact he must now feel his best chance of remaining as Prime Minister IS to lose. Meanwhile he is subordinate to the European President anyway who is also unelected.

Democracies I shit 'em.

And let's also not forget that it's only a democracy that could ever give Nick Clegg, a Dutch, Russian, nudist, ex-banker, who cooks his sausages in olive oil, a shot at being the Prime Minister of a nation who not so long ago presided over an Empire spanning a quarter of the globe.

If he gets anywhere near Number 10 then that is absolutely the end of this country as a Sovereign nation. The final chapter. Busto. If he has his way, before the decade's out we'll all be forced into homosexual relationships out of sympathy for the gay community, we'll all have to eat croissants for breakfast and our armed forces disbanded and sent for counselling to deal with their anger management issues, babies will have to wear yellow and the Battle of Britain will no longer be allowed to be shown at Christmas.

Britain will be systematically erased from the history books 1984 style and within a few generations we really will be speaking German, the only positive from this of course is the Yanks will have to find some new come-backs.

PLEASE I implore you Lib Dem potential voters...this is not Pop Idol....if you are seriously considering voting for a man who feeds his kids Quorn burgers - a tasty alternative to meat - please please at least read his party's manifesto. Please try to understand what he wants to do to this nation and try to appreciate the irreversible damage it will cause.

If the wider implications mean nothing to you, consider if you're relatively well paid, how much tax you'll pay. If you thought your taxes were high now, you won't know the meaning of the word until Vince Cable's got his hands on your wages. And those taxes won't go towards public services. They'll go to help the good people of Estonia - they need Broadband too you know and the Greeks - someone has to pay for their curly shoes and homosexual cinema industry.

Always remember, there's no shame in NOT voting. The politicians try to guilt people into the ballot boxes. All those sacrifices from the World Wars they say, was so YOU could vote. Well no. NO NO NO. They fought so we could have a choice.

They fought so that if the names on the ballot paper made us physically sick we could simply stay at home out of protest; they fought so we wouldn't be frog marched to the polling stations and voluntarily forced to vote for a man in a bushy tash or nappy or else sent away for re-education.

Not voting is as valuable a right as voting. Don't let anyone tell you you can't complain if you didn't bother voting. It's only twats who say that, 'ooooh well if you didn't vote you can't complain about the state of the roads you know.' Fuck off.

Fact of the matter is you can't moan if you DID vote because that meant you were a party to this charade of a democracy. You were conned, you fell for it and it's because of YOU we're so fucked. Because of people insisting on voting, one of these three will be hammering the final nails into our great nations coffin within weeks. I hope you're satisfied.

Compos Mentis? Not the Foggiest and Nick Clegg: You REALLY want to vote for
this ménage à trois of political incontinence? Please just stay at home on May 6th -
if not for me, do it for the children.

*The term "pea spiller" is a blog phrase meaning someone uncultured with no social skills or sophistication. Someone you might see spilling their peas all over the place in a restaurant like Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses.


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APAT review

4/18/2010 03:41:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Although the actual tournament yesterday was a few wasted hours of my life I'll never get back, the cash game I found myself in was one for the ages. I am an atheist, but I couldn't help feeling that this session of cash was a gift from the Gods, sort of throwing me a bone for a change.

I have never in my whole life sat in a more passive and soft cash game. Splendid stuff. Also, the highlight of my evening in fact was being sat opposite a chap who was the spitting image of fellow Mob member Alan - who incidentally is currently chip leader of the tournament and like a trooper sinking more Guinness despite what must be a corking hangover.

Also, a guy entered the game who I though looked just like an IRA terrorist from the 1970's and he was Irish too as it happened! Fantastic stuff. In all fairness he was a great bloke, very friendly and the only guy at the table who appeared to know what he was doing, so as long as I avoided him in a pot it was on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

You like your fucking knees caps where they
are do ya?
: IRA man gaining information yesterday

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It's a game of take and give

4/18/2010 02:25:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

You want money for your daughters eye operation? Hmmm no I'm sorry
I've managed with one eye I think your daughter will too. Next!

A keen insight into how Gordon Brown thinks this morning on the Andrew Marr show. Discussing the Conservative's policy for raising the threashold for paying Inheritance Tax to £1m Gordon Brown described it as "giving the richest 3,000 money."

It's true you'll be better off if you have a property over £1m; if you owned an estate worth £1.2m for example, you'd pay £350,000 now and only £80,000 under the Conservative's plans (40% of anything over £325,000 as opposed to 40% of anything over £1m), but it's not giving these people money.

No Gordon, it's not "giving" them money, it's just not taking as much away. Gordon Brown thinks every penny of monies in this country belongs to the state and it should be down to him to "give" the money back to us in a manner he sees fit.

Only Gordon Brown can distribute these funds in the correct manner. We should not in any way be allowed to finance our own lives. We simply cannot be trusted to make the right decisions, the tough decisions and the big choices.

In his ideal world we'd all have to cap in hand to him personally to ask for money. Like being 7 and asking ones parents for pocket money.


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Party politics

4/18/2010 05:36:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

If you ever find yourself taking our politicians seriously, just watch this video. Return to it every time you find yourself agreeing with anything they say because this is about as seriously as you take them.


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APAT this day

4/17/2010 09:44:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Well now it's the APAT business today which needs addressing. This will be my first APAT event of the new season having been unable to overcome my phobia of Wales to play the Swansea event last month.

In fact it's only been some extra sessions of counseling that have given me the mental fortitude to head to London this afternoon. I'm not match fit unfortunately. I've backed myself at 12.87 to fall asleep at the tables between 9pm-10pm. It's a short price when one considers I still actually need to be involved in the tournament first and foremost to get paid, but elsewise I think it's a good bet.

I'm actually looking forward to getting home already. I find I just want to put my pyjamas on and watch Westerns. It's all I want to do. Is it so much to ask? Well is it?

No sports bets today as something weird is occurring and I haven't figured out what it is. Chicago were beaten quite handsomely last night it seems - at least the score suggest they were (3-1 and an empty netter). In fact most game 1's of the first round produced upsets. I blame that volcano and Gordon Brown.

I better go.

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