6/29/2009 12:55:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Good afternoon, I apologise for my absence, but with all the new stuff I’ve been learning recently about Rubik’s cubes and fruit I just haven’t had the time to maintain the blog. So, a bit of a catch up before we discuss the issue that has preoccupied me this morning.

I’m loathe to add to the all the posthumous attention Michael Jackson is currently enjoying from his little cloud in heaven or hopefully from his burning pit of fire and brimstone in hell’s VIP lounge, but I would like to implore all TV news channels – including you Sky News – to just report the friggin’ fucking news and move on.

In Jacko’s case news people, your job is not to eulogise and offer up tributes, but to just inform us of his death and the circumstances surrounding it and move on. Let MTV send a reporter to LA to interview freaked out hysterical fans grieving under the weight of an absurdly deluded belief that they actually had a personal relationship with the man just because they have all his records and have followed him obsessively everywhere he’s ever been. Let MTV interview every celebrity that’s ever met the man, let MTV play all his hits on a 24 hour tape loop.

Why? WHY? I’ll tell you why; because aside from the fact that he was not worthy of such coverage as he hasn’t made a decent record since "Bad," which serves as the genesis of his transmogrification into a chink monk and aside from the fact that he almost certainly indulged in paedophilia on a regular basis – I’m sorry Jacko fans, but offering up the excuse that he hasn’t developed emotionally since he was 12 and therefore his sexual interference of pre-pubescent boys was just innocent curiosity and doesn’t count as the sexual abuse of children by a 50 year old man, will not wash – aside from aaaall that, blanket coverage of this nature allows our unscrupulous Government to bury damaging news beneath it which otherwise would have us gnashing our teeth and shaking our fists in anger in the direction of Westminster. So stop doing it OK?

Just in the last few days for example, Gordon Brown has admitted during a visit to the Govan Greengrocers Association that the United Kingdom is now a socialist mess and within five years will have no more relevance to the global community than the Pancake Islands in the Indian Ocean. Had the news channels actually focused on News we would have been privy to this visit and all had occasion to email in about it. See how irresponsible this obsession with celebrity is? Now don’t do it again.

* * *

OK I’d like to spend some time in consumer corner now. Some very bizarre products have come to my attention recently and I’d like to share them with you. Three products in particular, two of which have surprised me as they fly in the face of the hysterically confining politically correct winds we’re constantly being buffeted by and a third product which is just kinda scary as it clearly illustrates how dumb and completely incapable most people are of independent thought.

Nigroids: As far as I can tell this is the most racially insulting product currently on sale in all high street pharmacies. I’m still astonished by its availability. For fuck’s sake, it’s a black liquorice lozenge and you’re meant to suck on it!!

Given the Urban Dictionary’s definition of “Nigroid” this must surely pose some intriguing and delicate problems for the company should they wish to advertise on the radio –Urban Dictionary: “nigroid”

A faggy black guy whose homosexuality is contagious like an irritating disease such as haemorrhoids.

I can hear it now; “To help sooth your throat suck on a Nigroid.”

Given that David Howard, an aide to the then black Mayor of Washington DC, had to resign in 1999 for referring to the Cities budget as “niggardly,” (which just means frugal or skinflinty if you will) as it sounded vaguely racist, I’m amazed no one is emailing in about this product. Perhaps if the advert had Barry White singing at the beginning and Michael Jackson at the end it might provoke some interest from the PC people and sort of anyone really?

The only other product I can find with even more racially bigoted connotations is this cereal – “Swastikas,” available in all German and Austrian supermarkets. Basically they’re Shreddies for Nazis and Mel Gibson. It’s a close run thing though and to be fair I still think “Nigroids” is worse as "Swastikas" were invented by me earlier and not really made by Nestle so don't email me Nestle people.

Swastikas might not exist but Shreddies “diamonds” do. Not racist, but equally as scary I think you’ll agree just on a different level because it's an example of the kind of manipulation of a population that brings people like Hitler to power.

To anyone with even a modicum of intelligence these are normal Shreddies turned 45 degrees. But no shit, these are actually available in Canada and did indeed boost sales of Shreddies which had been falling for a few years in succession.

I know Canadians sound stupid, but I always assumed they were more intelligent than Americans. Having seen these stats for the sales of Shreddies "Diamonds" I’m now having to re-evaluate.

This clearly shows how easily people can be influenced. Usually advertisers have to be quite clever, but this is taking the piss. The contempt the Shreddies people must have for Canadians to pull this stunt is incredible.

This is worse than a few years ago when an action figure was available in our toy shops for £5 that had no figure in it. It was just plastic packaging in the shape of a man. Invisible Jim they called it.

It's the sort of astonishing gullibility that will win David Cameron the keys to 10 Downing Street and keeps Emile Heskey in the England side. I lose sleep thinking about this. I wish I lived in a cave. How can people be so dumb? How how? Sigh!

Anyways, I better go, I need to buy some new razor blades as the blue strip on my one has turned white telling me it needs replacing.

Wait a minute....


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Pages from ceefax

6/15/2009 03:40:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

What pure joy looks like

6/15/2009 01:40:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This is the last lap of MotoGP Catalunya from yesterday. An amazing end to the race and I'm very pleased Valentino Rossi won it...but it's the reaction of his pit crew when he crosses the line which I think is fantastic. Unbridled joy.

At 2:06 of the video they go absolutely mental. I can't remember the last time I celebrated something like that, either Michael Thomas' goal against Liverpool at Anfield on May 26th, 1989 or maybe David Platt's goal for England against Belgium at Italia 90' but it happens so rarely. I've emailed in to Obama about this; there must surely be something wrong with the world when you only get to experience this kind of euphoria once a decade.


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Sky Poker UK Tour - Grand Final

6/13/2009 11:13:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I'm off to Nottingham then. I believe they're running a live update of the event here: Grand Final Blog


I'm laughing as I type this

6/12/2009 10:46:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I bet on Australian football earlier. Not Aussie Rules football, Australian soccer. I had no information to go on, I was just bored. I bet on Geelong. I have a Geelong Aussie Rules jersey - or Guernsey as I think they call them (why are sports tops named after the channel islands?) - so I thought I'd bet on Geelong's soccer team too.

I experienced great difficulty finding a website that carried latest scores. With significant research I now realise why. I appear to have bet on the Australian equivalent of Sunday league football. Look at this snippet of a report from a Geelong Ranger game. Look at the state of the players. How and why do UK bookmakers price these games up??

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The Weekender

6/12/2009 04:45:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

If you really must know what I'll be betting on this weekend then I'll tell you. It's the Gran Premi Cinzano de Catalunya this weekend - or the Barcelona MotoGP sponsored by Cinzano in proper language.

Have you been watching any of the Isle of Man TT coverage on ITV4? Possibly not if you don't like the sport, but I have and so has Valentino Rossi. He found time in his schedule to take a visit to the Island for the first time and as a student of motorcycle racing he looked like the proverbial kid in a candy store.

This I feel has significance for this weekend. Whizzing around 30 miles of TT track, which is just public roads, with Giacomo Agostini who's an old fella who was really rather good at pelting round race tracks in his day, has I feel, re-ignited Valentino Rossi's love for racing. He's looked a bit bored of the game recently.

TT racers are indeed mental. Humans are supposed to have inherent self-preservation instincts. To race at 150mph around a track where the run-offs are either someones front garden brick wall or a cliff face and then the Irish sea appears to me to require a temporary or permanent absence of these instincts. I think Valentino Rossi has been inspired by their company and feels he owes them something. He described them as 'Gladiators.'

So anyway, since the weather appears to be behaving itself so we can be spared another ridiculous flag-to-flag race, and given Rossi has been fastest today in the first practice session I shall be taking the 5/4 and jolly well liking it.

His team mate, spotty little upstart Jorge Lorenzo and his silly Barcelona livery, is only a gnats fanny hair behind, but I've heard a rumour that he's finally discovered women this week and spent a lot of his time wanking. He's right handed so this must surely affect his ability to regulate the throttle and front break.

Casey Stoner crashed today and little Dani Pedrose was back in 14th. Even though this is Pedrosa's home GP and he won it last season, he's too banged up and too fragile for this weekend, possibly for the sport. A two horse race then. Rossi v Lorenzo. Lorenzo on home turf, but fatigued from wanking..Rossi newly inspired and long since progressed through puberty. 5/4 for Rossi in a two horse race I shall take every time.

If you want a bet with considerably more sauce to it, Marco Melandri is available at 80/1 (1/5th odds for podium places). Since his arrival at Kawasaki he seems significantly more invigorated and a lot happier. He has put in some very fast performances this season....I can't think what might be at the root of this mini-renaissance.

So if Stoner has an off day, a little Predosi literally comes off againthe smallest podium step is any ones, so what is essentially a 14/1 for a dude who clearly has an appetite for the game again seems rather enticing to me.

I shall also be wagering on Pittsburgh to finish off Detroit tonight and some under-21 football later tonight also, but I can't remember which games. Holland and France I think in a treble with Sri-Lanka to beat Pakistan but that's already happened.

Hopefully while this is all going on, I'll be progressing through the field of the Sky Poker Tour Grand Final. Stranger things have happend.

The end.


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Use the force Luke

6/11/2009 01:21:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Today I will mostly be betting on cricket. I shall need Luke Wright* to be England's highest scoring batter - I'm working on the assumption that Pietersen isn't fit here.

One has to assume he'll play as it's the evil Saffers, but by my way of thinking he ought not to. Also I would be much obliged if Sri Lanka could beat Pakistan tomorrow.

Oh I almost forgot, Pittsburgh did indeed P-P-P-Pick up a 2-1 in game 6 on Wednesday. So it all comes down to one final game back in Detroit. Thanks to betfair and most punters being a bit silly, you can make instant monies if you have a Harry Findley sized bank roll as Pittsburgh are currently 2.62 to win the game (which would make them the Stanley Cup winners) but only 2.56 in the Stanley Cup winners market.

Needless to say, I fancy Pittsburgh. It's taken a little longer than I thought to wear the Wings down, but Detroit's age and it's poor defence are not deserving of another Cup. Plus I don't like Detroit.

* The force is not strong with this one.

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Today's news and weather

6/10/2009 07:57:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Swine Flu is such a pussy. I could take Swine Flu in a fight. It's only killed 130 people so far world wide, did you know that? Most of those casualties of this pathetic condition were about to die anyway of something else.

The meeeeja love words like Pandemic though don't they, which they can display in big red letters across a graphic of a silhouetted man choking to death. In reality though more people have died since this whole Swine Flu hysteria began from the mis-use of a biro.

Fortunately, apart from ridiculously over-cautious Americans like John Juanda, no one seems to give a toss here and are not being hooked on the lines our pointless meeja have dunked into our curious waters. Curious Waters, now there's a name for a European rock ballad...I think I'll email in to Scorpion as we speak.

What's caught my eye today in the news then if it's not Swine Flu? Well, I'm glad you asked. A bunch of Economists have decided that the recession is over. Part of a think-tank they were. They had a meeting, ate some sandwiches and drank some sparkling water, looked at some figures, told some sexists jokes and then concluded that we're in the clear.

Is that how it works? Is that how recessions end? Does someone just have to say it's over? I might try that with a load of other stuff. Later on after my tea I shall have a meeting with myself and declare that the life-time I have spent not shagging the weather girls off Sky News is now over.

As of tomorrow I shall be knee deep in Sky weather-girl fanny. I've looked at some figures and eaten some biscuits, I've looked at their figures and these are my conclusions. Awesome. I better have a bath...if you'll excuse me.



6/10/2009 01:54:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)


F**king A!

6/10/2009 12:11:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I have heard tell of a possible A-team movie! If this is true it is almost too awesome for me to bear. I shan't sleep now until it is released. I hope they get locked in a shed like in the TV show. Imagine what they can build with the extra time!?

My cast would be Jeff Stelling from Soccer Saturday as Hannibal Smith, Christian Bale or Jim Carey as 'Howling Mad' Murdock. Finally Willie Carson and Gary Coleman as Faceman and B.A. Baracus respectively as a sort of ironic post-modern giggle.

I'm going to see if the A-Team is on Bravo as we speak. Oh I forgot about Amy - I'd cast Erica Durance from Smallville in that role..nothing ironic or post-modern about her selection, simply she makes me horny.

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One last hooooorah

6/09/2009 11:45:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

That was possibly the shortest retirement in poker history. I've had to buy in to the Sky Poker Tour Grand Final. I will definitely retire after this though.

I've got far too many languages to learn to be wasting my time playing poker; Far too many puzzles from the Rubiks people to solve to be distracted by silly card games and silly chips and silly potentially winning loads of money.

Just this one weekend and then that is it. Finished. Finito. Fini.

Just so we're clear. I'll bid you good day.


I can do the rubiks cube

6/09/2009 02:49:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

It's amazing what you can learn on the You Toobs. I still don't want to play poker though. I think I'll learn another language now. Once I've learnt to berate someone in Italian for sucking out on me I'll be ready to play again.



Blue square

6/08/2009 03:11:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I don't think tea tastes as nice with semi-skimmed milk, but that's the least of my concerns. I've just been doing some equations. I had a pretty damned good weekend as far as sports wagering goes. Some how I managed to clear the advanced payment on my little car!? What's even more astonishing is that I was betting on darts, tennis, horse racing and Major League So-cheeeer.

I'd like to say a personal thank you to the Kuznetsova woman. I know she reads my blog. I've campaigned rigourously in the past to have womens tennis banned, but I'm glad I failed.

What I know about these sports I could write on the back of a stamp which has some marmite covering most of it. It makes the futility of sitting down for a ten hour poker tournament even more apparent.

I have decided just now that I won't play poker again until I have mastered the rubiks cube. I don't think I've ever managed to complete more than two sides. I've just managed the blue side. I think you're not meant to do it side by side though. It would be sooo much easier if all sides were blue. In the meantime I am going to shop for full fat milk and a nice sandwich.

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You don't know what you're doing

6/07/2009 11:34:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I see the BT Broadband bloke has taken leave of his senses and proposed. She's already been divorced once, she's obviously damaged goods. I've been following the BT Broadband couple for some years now and I'm very disappointed he's made this decision.

I mean I'm all for people getting married when there's children involved, but these aren't even his kids. They belong to that other bloke who'll be laughing his bollocks off when he finds out Adam is about to put himself through the nightmare he escaped with his dignity barely intact.

Never go back: Adam yesterday

And as for getting married as a romantic gesture. Don't make me barf. Fucking grow up. Buy her some flowers, you don't need to sign your life away. Don't do it Adam. Do you hear me? I know you read my blog.

You left once, that was the hard part, just keep running son, keep running. Keep running and don't look behind you. It doesn't matter how much you think you care about her, that's your mind playing tricks on you. When a female gets dumped she releases an invisible chemical, it's actually a pheromone, that induces guilt in the male which is incredibly potent and effective within 500 miles. Fight the power man. FIGHT IT! You must concentrate.

You marry this mess of a woman and I guarantee that in a few weeks time you'll wake up in the middle of the night while she's snoring away next to you, three stone heavier than when you married her, and wonder what the fuck you were playing at.

I was free, you'll say to yourself....I was free.

Jane: Nice, but fat soon

Just remember this Adam, prisoners don't break back into prison once they've matter how much you care about a woman, there's always some broken man somewhere who can't take any more of her shit. Don't be that man Adam...that's what I always say.

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Entering via the backdoor

6/07/2009 06:44:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

We've got a gay couple living in our street now. I've seen them a couple of times taking walks together and I saw them in the Spar a couple of nights ago buying French apples and a copy of the Guardian.

I hope they can persuaded to move on before a whole load of them move in. This is what happens you know. You let one couple in and the next thing you know the whole street is an absolute fleet of berties, everyone's flying rainbow coloured flags and you can't move for all the vans delivering Futons.

* * *

I've also got a problem with Ants. My Dad gave me something which poisons the whole nest! I know they're only ants and all but I don't want to be responsible for an ant holocaust. There's something very Final Solution about this product. It's called "Raid" but they might as well call it "Reich".

The box has pictures of ants dying on it. It's really quite unnerving and unnecessary if you ask me. I just want something I can put around the doors and windows or something like that..something that deters them from entering via the backdoor. Something those whoopsies could do with too as it goes.

I'm sure ants do some good? I don't want to wipe them out. I'm a man of peace. Except when it comes to spiders obviously.



P-P-P-P-Pick up the Penguins

6/07/2009 10:31:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

While I was wasting my time at Dusk Till Dawn last night the Detroit Redwings were hammering the Pittsburgh Penguins 5-0 and thusly taking themselves within one game of proving that I am not indeed the most astonishing hockey prognosticator since Duncan Williamsburgh of Digby Nova-Scotia in 1878 who pronounced while shuffling a piece of frozen dog shit across a pond with a broom stick to his brother Dougas, "I think we got ourselves a game here Doug, eh?"

I haven't seen the game yet as I was busy having pocket queens beaten by an Ace-10 and an Ace-Queen beaten by an Ace-8 and various other crap, so I cannot account for such a one-sided score line. I must hope for the sake of the game of hockey and my Stanley Cup book that it was an aberation though and the Penguins will tie the series up back in Pittsburgh on Toosday thus wearing this Dads Army of a Redwings team down and winning the cup in Detroit's own barn on Friday.

The Redwings are trading at 1.28 as we speak so I will be laying them cause it's money less likely to go down the swanny than had I used it to ante up at the poker tables in that Oxford Cup thing later today or anywhere else any time soon for that matter.

To quote Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction, last night when I was driving back from Dusk Till Dawn, "I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity." Might the reason I suffer from a lack of patience and discipline be because I'm utterly bored of the game? Yes!! EUREKA!!

The last few games I've played I've busted out holding Ace-Queen twice, Jack-5 and 8 high. Not exactly premium holdings. I think that tells you all you need to know about my enthusiasm for waiting for good spots to get my money in. I called three all-ins last night with Ace-3 sooted because I thought it be would funny if it won. That is what the kids call -EV.

I'm afraid the masochist in me is no longer dominant enough to allow me to sit at a poker table for seven hours playing a game which I could theoretically play perfectly yet still lose. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, Why? Perfect play and end up with absolutely nothing - who does that? In what other walk of life would this be considered a healthy diversion from the hellish tedium of this unforgiving godforsaken life? Apart from football and I'm sick of that too.

I will re-evalute later today over a bacon sandwich and a bag of pork scratchings. But I'm quite sure I need to find something else to do with my evenings. I quite fancy learning how to do the rubiks cube. Anyway, I'm glad I've got that off my chest. It's like the twelve steps of alcoholism recovery. First step admit you have a problem. I feel liberated. Shit fucking game. Bollocks to it. Probably a French game anyway.

The end.


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Star gazing

6/06/2009 12:31:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Before we discuss today's wagers I just want to get some unpleasantries out of the way regarding Nicolas Sarkozy. If I had the choice of another five years of Gordon Brown leading this country or seeing Sarkozy's skull being crushed by a steam roller live on Sky News, that would be a head scratcher, I'd really have a decision to make there. He's an utter cunt. Make no mistake about it, he's George Bush only with an even more ridiculous accent and with 15-20 less IQ points.

This whole D-Day thing was used by Sarkozy has an excuse to get him some Obama time. He's a media whore of the worst kind as is Gordon Brown. The idea that this weekend was a Franco-American deal to justify not inviting the Queen is utter bollocks.

Gordon Brown was on the guest list even though he's not a head of state. The Queen is the only one out of the lot of them who was actually in uniform on D-Day. Bastards. It's just the Jocks and the French ganging up on the English again, petty fuckers, and a chance for them to cozy up to Obama, who to his credti was only the one to actually point at the Queen ought to be there, what with half those soldiers who stormed the beaches being English and all. Urghh..they get my dander up they reeaaaallly do.

Deep breaths...

OK, so today's wagers; I've read various peoples opinions on the Derby and have settled for a medium sized wager on Black Bear Island and a wee saver on Sea the Stars. I won't watch the race because Willie Carson gives me nightmares.

I would really appreciate it if this Kuznetsova woman would win the French Open. She appears to be a big under-dog, but I've heard tell of some genuine choking tendacies for the favourite so I will not lay this bet off. No sir.

I've got a football Yankee placed also which I think you'll find is awesome. I'll need England to win by 2 goals, Togo to beat the Gabon, Azerbaijan to draw with Wales and finally I'll need the Australians to beat Qatar. I see no problems with this bet.

I'm dilly-dallying about my plans for tonight. I wanted to whizz up to Nottingham, but I've just now seen the Grand Final of the Sky Poker tour is next weekend at DTD and with a £200+£20 buy-in, it seems very appealing to me. I don't think my budget will stretch to the £300 game tonight and next week's game also.

Click picture for details

If my wagers are successful then I can do both, but it does not give me too much time to get up there once they're settled. It's a tricky one especially given how lazy I am and how shitty the weather appears to be. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

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Not so self-assured after all

6/05/2009 07:11:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Caroline Flint is a horrible woman. Almost certainly she enjoys being humiliated during sex possibly in the shape of name calling; whore, slut, bitch queen etc accompanied with hair pulling, which is why she has allowed herself to endure the alleged misogyny of Gordon Brown's style of leadership.

It's one of those weird sort of female equivalent Napoleon complexes we're dealing with here. She walks around with such an arrogant look on her face. Women do that when they're trying to prove they're as good as blokes at stuff. But really she knows she's subordinate and she likes it. She likes being humiliated. She's like Isabelle Huppert's repressed sadomasochistic character in the Piano Teacher only with a slightly more irritating accent.

At least this is the only possible explanation I can come up with for her bizarrely contradictory behaviour this past 14 hours or so. I haven't seen such an embarrassing u-turn performed by a woman since my Mother collided with Sainsburys trying to negotiate her way out of their car-park.

Last night


Dear Gordon

I believe the achievements of the Labour Government to date have been monumental and you have played an immense part in the creation of those achievements.

However, I am extremely disappointed at your failure to have an inclusive Government.

You have a two tier Government. Your inner circle and then the remainder of Cabinet.

I have the greatest respect for the women who have served as full members of Cabinet and for those who attend as and when required.

However, few are allowed into your inner circle.

Several of the women attending Cabinet – myself included – have been treated by you as little more than female window dressing.

I am not willing to attend Cabinet in a peripheral capacity any longer.

In my current role, you advised that I would attend Cabinet when Europe was on the agenda. I have only been invited once since October and not to a single political Cabinet – not even the one held a few weeks before the European elections.

Having worked hard during this campaign, I would not have been party to any plan to undermine you or the Labour Party in the run up to 4 June.

So I was extremely angry and disappointed to see newspapers briefed with invented stories of my involvement in a "Pugin Room plot".

Time and time again I have stepped before the cameras to sincerely defend your reputation in the interests of the Labour Party and the Government as a whole. I am a natural party loyalist. Yet you have strained every sinew of that loyalty.

It has been apparent for some time that you do not see me playing a more influential role in the Government. Therefore, I have respectfully declined your offer to continue in the Government as Minister for Europe attending Cabinet.

I served six years as a backbencher and, therefore, I am not unhappy to be able to devote myself to promoting my constituency's interests and to support the Labour Government from the backbenches.

This is a personal decision, which I have not discussed with colleagues.


Rt Hon Caroline Flint MP


Musical chairs without removing a chair

6/05/2009 01:21:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I was hoping when I woke up this afternoon that I'd switch the news on and see pictures of Gordon Brown leaving Downing Street with his coffin like chin down looking crestfallen and Nick "toenails" Robinson inconsolable and incapable of reporting on the events.

Instead it's all over. James Purnell resigned last night under the false assumption that it would be the catalyst for a wave of further resignations forcing old misery guts out. It didn't. He was flatterig himself somewhat and looks a bit daft now. In fact the opposite has happened. And now it's like that moment in pubs when conversations restart and pool balls smack against each other again after the total silence when every one stands up thinking a fight is about to occur.

This reshuffle didn't happen and so when the bad press about the elections is over, some time on Tuesday, it'll be like this week never happened. What's the point of a reshuffle anyway? In what other industry do these kinds of management musical chairs work? If you had shares in a company that changed it's senior management every year you'd not expect a dividend at the end of the year. See Newcastle United for what happens when football teams do it.

It's one of those silly political marketing gimmicks. It's supposed to give the Government Cabinets a fresh feel to it, but in reality it just messes up each Ministry and gives MP's a nervy disposition. So the only real purpose for a reshuffle is to give the Prime Minister an opportunity to ditch the people who don't like him and promote the brown noses - literally in the case of our current PM.

Since everyone who didn't like him resigned anyway, it looks like almost everyone is staying put with this one, so it's a re-re-shuffle. I'm bored of politics again now if they're not going to be fighting with each other any more. Plus, I just noticed it's the Oaks today and the Derby tomorrow. I might have a wager on these although I'm not sure the system I used to use for these classic races applies anymore. I think I'll just pick horses with funny names.

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How was Thursday for you?

6/04/2009 07:11:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I'm giving some thought to a visitation of the Chinese take-away. Yes they terrify me, but I do so love their BBQ spare ribs. There's a fair chance the ribs are human and the BBQ sauce is laced with blood, but they do taste good.

In other news my Dad came over here today with a dog in tow. It was sort of like a doberman only smaller. Much smaller. See this picture..imagine this is to scale 1:1. It was the cutest little fella...possibly the smallest dog in the country.

I had to give them both a lift home as we weren't sure if his little legs could cope with the return journey. We put him in the cup holder as we drove home. He was some sort of Chihuahua/Terrier/Doberman cross or something. Must have been a tricky ménage à trois.

* * *

There's a dead bird by my backdoor. I hate birds. They're so freakin' scary looking. I'm sure it's a bad omen. I don't want to touch it. I'm hoping a cat will carry it off in the night.

How do birds die? Can they die when they're flying and just fall out of the air or do they know when their number is up and find somewhere comfy to expire? Is it possible he just fell off my roof and wasn't able to engage his wings before he hit the deck? I bet an urchin threw a stone at him.

* * *

Finally, I settled on a car today. It's a Vauxhall Astra Twin Top thing. To be fair it was described as "camper than a pink Nissan Micra" by the Top Gear people and it's a bit shaky, like going down a hill in a shopping trolley and although it has four seats there's actually no leg room for the back seats - maybe 10 cm at best so unless your passenger is an 8 year old child or Douglas Bader the back seats are for storing the bagge that won't fit in the boot when the top is down. I got it because I liked the way the way the roof retracts. It's got about 50 working parts and takes slightly more time to retract than the roof of the Millenium Stadium, but cool nonetheless.

Yes, I will go the Chinese. Wish me luck.


Gay fever more like

6/03/2009 08:26:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

There's no more pathetic and gay affliction than hay fever, with the possible exception of lactose intolerance and peanut allergies, but the baby Jesus as my witness I've got it. My sneezes can be heard for miles. I've used up a whole box of tissues in one afternoon. I haven't done that since I first got broadband internet.


Witch Hazel

6/03/2009 06:56:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Gordon's the captain of our ship, of our ship
Gordon's the captain of our ship, of our ship
and the ship is a tanker,
he's a fucking wanker
Gordon's the captain of our ship, of our ship

I do so love it when the careers of senior politicians go down the swanny. When it's a Prime Minister especially though it's pure theatre. Who didn't make the wanker sign at the TV back in 1990 when Margaret Thatcher wept as she left Downing Street? I know I did and ironically I bet Gordon Brown did too.

My favourite part of the death throes of politicians' careers is when Journalists stand on the pavement outside Number 10 and shout questions at them when they appear, questions they know damn well won't be answered; "Are you resigning? Have you lost all authority Prime Minister? Are you the worst Prime Minister in British political history? Are you wearing your wife's lingerie Prime Minister?"

Of course, all of this has no real relevance to politics as a whole in this country. Even if we had a General Election on Monday and David Cameron as our new PM on Tuesday, the three main parties share the same policies so the transition would be seamless for most of us. We'd still be a lost nation wondering what to do with ourselves post-superpowerhood. A rudderless tanker if you will, sunk by the big blue of the European Union, condemned to a watery grave by indecision and the greed of a generation of chinless inbreds.

Whomever shall take control they'll still waste their time setting up committees to figure out how to make Britain great again, meanwhile we'll descend deeper and deeper into international obscurity and ultimately end up being the butt of Belgian jokes and be famous for nothing more than the manufacture of funny cars with three wheels that run off the peels of Cornish apples.

But though, but, from a pure indulgence in schadenfreude, which we're all perfectly entitled too when it comes to MP's, it's all jolly good sport. Hazel Blears thinks she's really put one over on Gordon Brown, but what's she's actually done is really piss the people off who can do her the most harm and who she claims to represent.

Gordon Brown might have ruined her reputation, but the people of Salford and grass roots Labour Party members oop theeer, who let's face it are a good three to four billion years of evolution behind the rest of us, are quite capable of ruining her physically.

Perhaps she thought they'd welcome her back with open unnecessarily long arms. What she appears to have forgotten however is that she's cheated them out of their hard earned money and used their taxes to finance her over privileged life in Westminster.

If any of them hand opposable thumbs they'd be in the down position I'm afraid Hazel. I fully expect her to be locked in a big wicker man with some livestock and sacrificed as they're still doing to witches up there but as a warning to all future MP's of Salford and Swinton too.

"She's betrayed us han't she" -- A Salford man earlier today

I don't really care who replaces Gordon Brown, I just want him gone and then I want it all to begin again with the new guy. It will do too, because the priority of every MP is to just be a part of the Government, it's got nothing to do with improving the nation. So the circle of squabbles and scandals will begin again. I won't go on about a Dictator again, you know how I feel about that, but this nonsense will only end when we have that unhinged nutter in charge. It's the only way we can be great again. I've said my piece, I'll bid you good day.


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Too hard stomach and hard to stomach

6/02/2009 10:47:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (2)

If anyone would like my opinion on the state of young Scary Spice, this is it; if she continues injecting herself with whatever it was she was taking to get her body looking like that, she'll have an impressive set of bollocks in no time. She looks like she's made of Plasticine.

Call me old fashioned, but I've always felt women should be soft and supple and when I slap a woman on the tushy it should not be like slapping a water melon, there should be a pleasant gentle rippling effect.

She looks bloody ridiculous, like a giant version of one of those Spice Girl dolls. Women should not drink out of pint glasses and they should not have muscle definition like that, not in a civilised society, every one knows that. Primary school girls will all want six-packs and plastic tits for Christmas now.

* * *
In other news if you're considering voting for the BNP this week do come along and stop be so silly. If you're an unapologetic racist then do as you please of course, but if you think it's big and clever and will teach the big three parties MP's a lesson for being such unscrupulous greedy fraudsters then you're misguided at best - Susan Boyle mental at worst.

What you've got with the BNP is a collection of bigots. Bigots who to this day are still unable to distinguish between being an opponent of a multicultural England and being just plain racist. I am anti-multiculturalism. I don't want to live in a land where everyone is subject to their own laws and values which are dependant on nonsense religions and hocus pocus beliefs.

I was quite happy with England's culture sculpted over a thousand years of history. And anyone from anywhere around the globe should have been welcome to come here so long as they were prepared to adopt it and have something to offer in return for a life here. The BNP just don't want anyone here who doesn't look like Nick Griffin. They are obsessed with ethnicity rather than culture and that is a racist ideology and as Ferris Beuller quite rightly opined, "ism's in my opinion are not good."

If you don't have a single culture you end up with a country like Spain separated into regions. The next thing you know you're sleeping all afternoon and all the men are given girls names. I already sleep most of the afternoon - see how it's a slippery slope? The Americans started those citizenship classes to guide against this and I really don't think it's much to ask for immigrants to have to speak the language as a prerequisit. They should also have to sport bowler hats for the first six months like newly qualified drivers given "P" probation plates for a spell.

Instead we opened our borders to anyone and apologised to them for not adhering to their various nonsense "values". Oh I tells ya, it's like being anally raped and then apologising for not giving hard enough kick-back.

Anyway, I won't go on. So yes these elections, put even more simply, you can't vote for the BNP if it's a protest vote on ethics, only ethnics. I myself will not be bothering. On Thursday I have far more important things to do. I'm going to try on all my hats and count the gravel in my garden.

The end.

* * *

Finally, I'd appreciate it if the Kuznetsova woman could beat that Williams creature tomorrow. Serena Williams, she's another one with a plastic body. Hopefully it'll hot enough tomorrow to cause significant melting.

I think this is her?

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Today's news

6/01/2009 06:43:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (2)

Some dude on the radio said he was of the honest opinion that we had seen the end of plane crashes because of how reliable modern planes were. This was under the assumption that it was a technical fault that led to this Air France plane disappearing.

No such thing really is there. Accidents will always happen, that's why they're called accidents. Like that car that blew up behind my house, the person who owned it may have been the most circumspect car owner in the land, but he can never be so cautious as to prevent fate from taking its course.

I'm hoping this plane had a bomb on board. I mean because if it's a bomb it means it wasn't a technical fault and if it's not a technical fault then it means we probably don't have to wrry about other A330's disappearing like this one.

The chances of plane crashing are tiny, and the chances of everyone dying even more so and the chances of it being at the hands of terrorists smaller still despite the current hysteria about the T word. So for the sake of the future airline passengers I hope it was the T word, if it has to be anything I mean, I hope it was that.

Incidentally, was it just me or did I detect a significant sense of frustration and bitterness from the news dudes that this thing hasn't crashed somewhere where they can film the wreckage and plumes of smoke and fire and so on?

* * *

In other news, apparently the only other thing of note to happen today, Susan Boyle was taken to a clinic because she was acting strangely. Really? As opposed to how she usually acted?

At what point did cruise ship talent shows become such compelling viewing? What the fuck is wrong with everyone? There's people who can't concentrate at work during the week because of what might happen at the weekend on these shows.

This kind of thing makes me even more certain we need a brutal Dictator to purge the population of anyone who has a serious interest in this kind of thing. I so desperately want to return to an age where people read books as a source of entertainment and people like Susan Boyle were kept chained to walls in rooms without windows or in institutions not swanky clinics at £5,000 a night.


Utter C words

6/01/2009 02:14:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've recently under-taken a quest to get someone to say the C word and it's proving difficult. But surely all I have to do is get them to delve into the recent past of this man because he really is the very definition of an utter c**t.

He's been caught with his fingers in the till. He claims it was an error. Clearly they're all at it, but when it's the fucking Chancellor of the Exchequer it becomes more significant.

If it's a genuine mistake then that means he's incapable of organising his own finances, which are obviously far less complex than the nations therefore he can't be trusting with the nation's purse strings.

The alternative is that he's conniving bastard or cunt if you will, and knew exactly what he was doing and is therefore untrustworthy and should not be allowed within 100 miles of 11 Downing Street

Now I hate Hazel Blears and her silly garden gnome like features as much as the next voter, but I fail to see how her fiddles were deemed unacceptable by Gordon Brown even though it was another "genuine error" and she paid the money back, but Alistair Darling's fiddles can be met with his full support.

Because of the fungibility of money there's very little that can be done about all this. There can be no transparent expenses system because by their nature they are manipulable so a new "transparent" system or just having an election and replacing all of them with celeb MP's and random individuals are both just palliative measures.

Just because you give an MP £100 to buy a table doesn't mean they actually spent your money on a table, even if they show you one and have a receipt. All you can sure about is that you made them £100 better off. The only way you can assured of where this money went is if MPs filed requisition forms for the things they need and the expenses department dudes actually bought the stuff for them, which is obviously impossible given the number of MPs and all the crap they need.

It would be far cheaper for the nation if they were all transported to the south pole and a ruthless dictator take over for a while until we can be trusted to run the country ourselves again. I've been saying this years. Why will no one listen to me damn it. We don't live in a democratic country. So very little will change from an ideological point of view.

But a seriously unhinged dictator will remove those horrible hooded urchins from our street corners, he'd make the trains run on time and we'd have some really cool military rallies like the North Koreans and Chinesers do and in time an awesome new series of wars with France as an exercise in national cock waving, which will be a piece of piss since France have been a vanquished nation since the Jormans invasion in World War II.

The future

It's a plan with no flaws. I'm telling you. Dictatorships for the win!!