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I won't be watching the Olympics. I appear to be the only one on Gods clean Earth that finds it inappropriate for them to have been given the games in the first place.

Not necessarily because most of the locations for the events are shrouded in a stench emanating from various massacres from decades and centuries past; the proposal to hold the beach volley ball tournaments in Tiananmen square for example (careful not to slip over on the skin of some poor students face competitors)...

..No, I won't be watching the games simply because I will not subject myself to the multitude of subliminal messages the Chinese are planning on broadcasting. Completely undetectable to the human eye, (only species with that distinct Asian epicanthic folds protecting their eyes will be immune) these images will continue throughout the coverage of the games with quite terrifying consequences for the human race.

One minute you're watching table tennis, the next you're having thoughts about betraying family members and before the semi-finals have begun you're a slave or in a lab somewhere having your brains sucked out through hollow chop-sticks.

Don't give me that paranoid shit, I know what I'm talking about. I've had word of this from my people in China. They tell me the only way to protect your very soul from these penetrative images is to wear a pair of those 3-D specs they used to give you in boxes of Shreddies.

Yes, and it's no coincidence that just three days before the games begin, Tesco's in Witney have sold out of Shreddies! Where have they gone? I didn't buy them, and I don't think you did either.

Just be careful, that's all I ask.

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Now then, if I could just ask you briefly to accompany me a slight digression; while I was researching the horrors that await viewers of this years Olympics one of my lines of inquiry led me to analyse the structure of the Asian species' eyes. Two explanations to account for this distinctive facial feature are given below:

Asian people's eyes have evolved to be slitty over time because they spend so much of their time training as ninjas. Spending a lot of time with narrowed eyes meant that the skin around the eyes (including eyelids) didn't need to grow so much.

It's the same effect as when muscles gradually waste away if they are not used - the body will only produce as much tissue as needed. -- Submitted by: HRH The Duke of Edinburgh

* * *

One hypothesis as to why epicanthic folds came about implicates the climates in which populations expressing them arose. Specifically, in the case of those who are of central East Asian descent, the abundant snow that accumulates in this area (ex. Mongolia and/or Siberia) may have played a role in their development.

Given that the intensity of sunlight is enhanced when it reflects off of light colored surfaces (such as white snow), the adaptive advantage of expressing an epicanthic fold in such an environment would be that the exposure of a narrower section of the eye to incoming light would serve to protect more of the eye from its intensity. The trait may also be useful against strong winds. -- Submitted by: Some no mark Professor somewhere

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I know which one I believe.

One final comment about the Olympics. Why is it that women folk will tut and moan and bitch about the World Cup being on and refuse to care about England even if they seem to have a good chance pre-tournament of winning the thing, despite it being the world game and arguably the biggest prize in international competition, but will quite happily stay up until 3am when the Olympics are on, to watch some bloke from Lincolnshire win a bronze medal in archery?

If they just want England to win something, surely a single man's quest to win a medal in archery should be subordinate to the national team winning the greatest sporting prize in the planet? Strange chaps women.